This is it.

I had a second blog post written. One I planned on sharing right after he left. It was a story from a few weeks ago. A glimpse into our little family. I talked about how much I would miss him, but overall it was fairly sweet and light hearted.

I wrote that post before he left. Before the soul shattering morning in which he got on that bus and I cried harder than I’ve ever cried. I didn’t know then, when I wrote that blog, that I would still be shaken to my core days later. These is no way I could authentically share a light hearted story right now. I clearly underestimated what this would be like. I actually wrote “things are surprisingly the same” in that first blog, with anticipation that that would be true.

Nothing is the same. Before that morning I didn’t know that every day, just for a split second, when I open my eyes in the morning, I would forget he wasn’t there, and experience the grief over again as reality sets in and I blink back tears and roll out of bed.  I didn’t know just how many times Boo Boo would ask about and cry for her daddy during a day, making  my heart crumble into a million pieces over and over.  I didn’t know that silly cardboard cut out of him would literally make my heart skip a beat when I pass it the hallway.  I didn’t know how many times a day I would wish for time to pass quickly and dream about what we will do when he’s back. I think about how much the kids will change in between now and then and all the things he will miss. I think about how amazing it will feel when it’s all behind us and we’ve done it.  I wonder, will Boo ever stop asking about him? And if she does, does that mean she’s given up hope that he’s ever going to return?

I have a new level of respect for deployed soldiers and their loved ones. I’m not sure you can truly grasp that sacrifice until it’s you.  Standing there with MY husband. MY kid’s dad… was one of the most surreal and gut wrenching experiences of my life.  Watching a hundred other soldiers leave their families for a year sticks with you. It’s seared in my mind. Mamas leaving their babies. Husbands leaving their pregnant wives. My gosh it’s heavy. Really, really heavy.

Each day the raw emotion of that day fades a little more.  Normalness trickles back in. I’m thankful for the perspective this has put on life.  I find myself wanting to be more present with the kids and our families.  Not to take for granted one moment I get to spend with them while he doesn’t.  The three of us seem to already be forming a tighter bond. We talk about him a lot and all the things we love about our family. It seems the kids sense that we are all a little fragile right now. They play nicer, and share more. Boo has asked me a couple times “if I’m happy now”  which is incredibly precious but also likely means I have traumatized her with all my crying. Sigh. Bugsy carried in the groceries from the car last night “because that’s what the man does“

Oh, my heart.

5 days down.