Its been a month. We are making it. The raw emotion of him leaving has faded. We have been able to talk and FaceTime regularly. The pressure is off, in a way. All the parties and special nights out, the mad scrambles to make memories, have all been checked off the calendar. Oh, the internal pressure I have to make memories. My mind was in over drive during those last few weeks, trying to fit in every last thing. Now it’s just “get through the days.”
A few weeks before he left, on a Saturday morning, I INSISTED we make a blanket fort the living room. You know the ones; old blankets hooked on bookshelves and held up by dining room chairs. The kids were into it, for a minute. Boo kept belly flopping into the center of the blanket, making the whole thing collapse, clearly not understanding the goal. After a few minutes the kids ran into one of the bedrooms and started happily jumping on the bed. So there Grant and I were, building a blanket fort. It wasn’t going well and I got frustrated. Wasn’t it easy when we were kids? Anyway… after a few minutes I realized how ridiculous the situation was and aborted mission. Bless Grant‘s heart for not pointing it out sooner. As he pulled me into a big bear hug, he said “listen to them“. They were giggling in the bedroom. “They’re happy. You don’t have to plan fun.” It’s just like him to calm me down and drop some wisdom in only a few words. I’m a planner. I have a hard time NOT having a plan. Even on a lazy Saturday morning, I had a plan. That plan included a blanket fort, dammit! ….sigh.
I need him. I need him to talk me down when my head starts to spin, to help me not lose sight of what’s important. I need him to bear hug me and make me listen for their giggles. To swoop in when I’m.about.to.lose.it. I’m trying to remember and exude his gentle calm in my moments of stress. A “what would Grant do?” if you will… Without him, I have to stop myself from planning our days in hour by hour increments, and beating myself up about the kids having too much “screen time.” I still love an adventure, and mamas have to plan. But I am embracing that there are also beautiful, happy times when we do nothing at all. Boy, do I wish he was here to do nothing with us now.
bugsyandboo 