Of course the big day will be in August. We met (again) and fell in love in August. We’ve traveled and made so many great memories in August. If Boo would have been a boy, her name would have been Augustus. It’s my favorite month. The excitement and impending feeling of relief that this August will bring is palpable. There have been days that I literally did not think I was going to make it. Thanks, anxiety. But, we are in the homestretch. I count down in weeks instead of months now. We look forward to the mundane little moments, and are planning big vacations.
I’ve been looking back through pictures from the last year. The kids have grown immensely. Both several inches taller now. Their little baby faces have thinned out. We’ve all had birthdays. So many milestones have been reached. The completion of kindergarten for Bugsy. Potty training for Boo. Both of them so much more mature. I can’t wait to see his reaction to their changes, the ones that go unnoticed to me, because I’m lucky enough to see their sweet little faces every day. I can never bring back the year full of moments that he has missed. But the moment that we all will be physically reunited is what keeps me going. I envision it 20 times a day.
I’ve tackled the “his job” stuff and the “my job” stuff too. It has not been easy. The kids have seen me completely melt down more times than I’d like. Some days fly by, but some days crawl. I have a countdown on my phone. I think I looked at it on day 136 a million times. Day 136 was not a good day. There’s been incredibly exhausting, scary, frustrating days. Some days have been wonderful though too. I try to measure time not in days, but in events to look forward to and things to celebrate. Our son’s baseball games. The birth of our new niece.
I’ve managed things I thought would be impossible without him. I remember worrying about simple things like taking a walk around the block. Before Grant left, Boo was still in a stroller for our walks and the dog would pull our arm out of the socket as he yanked us down the street. Bugsy was still pretty unsteady on two wheels and we would jog to keep up with him. We would be sweating and cussing by the time we made it back home. Subtly though, somewhere in the passage of time this year, it got easier. The dog is a slightly better walker and both kids ride their bikes now. Bugsy is way out ahead and Boo Boo pumps her little legs hard trying to keep up. We are all a bit more confident and steady, a bit more self-sufficient.
I find myself looking back on this year and feel mostly grateful. Grateful that we’re all alive. Grateful that we’ve had a reminder so early in our marriage to not take one another for granted. Good Lord, I cannot wait to hug him. I cannot wait to watch him bond with our children again. To have a date to parties and weddings again. To have someone to talk to when I come home from a long day at work. I cannot wait to have another set of hands around the house. I cannot wait to have him take back “his jobs.” Turns out I’m not good at unclogging a drain. I cannot wait to have a full conversation with him without the phone cutting out every few seconds. I know he can’t wait for all of it too and also to not “feel like he’s in an oven with someone blowing a hair dryer full of sand in his face.” Poor guy.
If you see me soon and I seem aloof, I am. I’m dreaming of August.
bugsyandboo 