New normal

As expected,  it’s become our normal not to have Grant at home. It’s not a normal I want,  but it’s necessary.  I don’t think twice about going to bed without him.  I lock up the house and do the bedtime routine with the kids.  The pang of his physical presence not being there ebbs and flows.  Mostly though,  I operate in survival mode and just get through the day. Every day.  We talk about him a lot and thankfully we talk to him a lot, too.  Boo has adjusted to daddy not being home   and instead of crying for him now, she usually asks if we can call him or says “let’s tell daddy about this when we talk to him.”  It’s weird to think about all that’s happened in the last two and a half months since he left.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember whether he was home when a certain thing happened or not. When we talk I try desperately to catch him up on even the mundane stuff of life. I don’t want him to feel out of the loop and I need to spill all of my thoughts out to the person who gets it the most.  I’ve been frustrated with how slowly  time seems to be passing. Two and a half months is a long time,  but not in relation to the length of this deployment.  Even though I know we are getting closer to his return every day,  I feel like I’m in a dream, where I’m trying to run a marathon, but actually only running in place.

I try to be positive for the kids.  I try to remember that the kids are experiencing grief just like I am.  Bugsy has said many times “I wish the army was never invented.”  Which of course is his way of saying that he misses Grant, although he tries to act tough about it.  Some days I have the strength to talk with him about the armed forces and all the good they do. Sometimes all I can say is “me too.”   When Boo-boo is really tired or mad at me she says “I wannnttt myyy dadddyyyy.”  Sometimes I’m able to tell her how much her daddy wishes he could be with her, but sometimes I just say “I want him too”

This is our new normal. I’m trying to keep it together. But the truth is I miss him so much it hurts.